THE VOID
I understand why people tend to leave. Surrounded by a void, an open hole in the water that sinks me, probably why I almost drowned learning to swim. They feel the void in me and know they cannot free me from it, they do not want to feel the void and so they leave because the void is dark and suffocating.
Somehow everyone is able to carry on like nothing ever happened, but I can't, those things live with me, walk with me, I even dream of them. Haunted and abandoned like a worn out shack in the woods.
"you act depressed."
"you're so bubbly."
"you've lost weight."
"you've added weight."
"you play around too much."
"you never smile."
"you're too demanding."
"you never ask for help."
"you're so wicked."
"you can't even defend yourself."
You'd be surprised how many people have different opinions of "T".
How many people's words stick in my head.
"your arm is so fat."
"your arm is so skinny."
"your stomach is getting big, you should watch it."
"your stomach is getting small."
"you eat too much."
"you don't eat a lot anymore? That's a shock. you never reject food."
"you care too much about what people will say."
"you sure you don't care about what people will say?"
How my personality changes with each sentence.
"you're so nice."
"you aren't actually nice, I knew it!"
"you're so gullible."
"you're so manipulative."
And with each passing time? I hear.
"you've changed."
"you'll never change will you?"
"you're not okay. what happened to you?"
And so I am stuck. Stuck as I circle round the void. At the edge, yet to fall.
"you're ugly."
"you're beautiful."
"you're cutting? are you mad?"
"you can't be an alte, you're christian."
"you can't be this way."
"you haven't grown at all."
I feel it when I'm alone. The child in me is hitting the wall crying because I have failed. Failed to be above. Failed.
And I feel it, the distance. I don't feel as close to God. My palm is sweaty against His, and I'm slipping losing my grip.
But everyone can agree on one thing. "T" is weird. "T" is not normal.
"you're so quirky."
"you act like a child."
"you're so weird."
With each opinion that fills my head, they become one with the voices in my head.
"No one can love you."
"No one will stay, not when you remain this way."
"No one cares."
And my body is giving up, my soul can barely hold up. I feel it, the waves circling round my body, the occasional ceasing of my breath, and maybe soon the completion of me in total surrender, when the tide rolls in and I am too weak to survive it, and I give in, and it carries me away, and it is finally all quiet in my head.
It’s a shame that some people would rather lay their assumptions on us than actually take time to listen. Quick to judge without actually taking time and patience to understand someone.
I’m sorry you’re enduring this. I know it’s hard, but please stay strong. Your worth isn’t determined by others’ words. It’s also understandable that life’s struggles can make it hard to stay near to Christ. When life gets hard, then when we have to fight to stay nearer to Him.
God bless you.